All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

Saturday 9: Always the last to know…

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Saturday 9 is a weekly blogging meme hosted by Crazy Sam Winters (she added the crazy, not me!).

Every Saturday there will be nine questions – sometimes they will be around a common theme, other times completely random – to be answered however we like.

Dr Who Jon Pertwee with Katy Manning and Nicho...

Jon Pertwee with Katy Manning and Nicholas Courtney, December 1972.

1. When was the most recent time that you felt that you were the last to know something important?

Last year, I found out several months after the event, that Nicholas Courtney had passed away.

I know many will be saying who? But I grew up with his portrayal of Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart in Doctor Who. He portrayed this role across several incarnations of the Doctor and merely thinking of him brings happy memories flooding back – of Zygons and evil Maggots, of Yeti and Katy Manning knicker-flashing drinking games.

I was deeply saddened when I learnt of his death, and was touched with the reference Stephen Moffat wrote into The Wedding of River Song regarding his passing.

Other than this, not having a television or regular internet access, often makes me feel I am the last to know things. From Olympic Opening Ceremonies, celebrity death to breaking incidents and movie news, I’m rarely on top of events like I used to be.

This does frustrate me so.

2. Have you ever had a good thing in your life that never ended?

The only thing that comes to mind is my inner-strength.

A slightly odd answer, to be sure, but throughout all the trials and tribulations I’ve been through…I’m still standing.

During a recent session with a counselor he asked me if there were any “dark places” I had yet to visit and, truth be told, I can’t think of any. I’ve visited the delusional highs and crippling lows of bipolar, I’ve taken so many tours of suicide and self-harm I know the spiel down pat. I’ve suffered through all forms of abuse, some on multiple occasions, and I’m all too familiar with the torment of being isolated and alone.

Yet, I’m still making darkly comic jokes about all I’ve been through. I’m still finding ways to push through the darkness and back into the light. I’m still fighting not only for myself but to assist others in similar circumstances.

The only aspect of myself I’m proud of is my strength; which is a good thing that has yet to end. Hopefully, it never will.

3. Do you have any nasty habits?

My only really nasty habit is smoking. Yep, I know the long-term health problems. Yep, I know it stinks and is all sorts of disgusting. Yep, I know I’m naughty and should quit. But right now I need it. I need it to control my depressive episodes and self-harm urges, I need it because it is the only ongoing support for my mental health that I have. I need it, because in hard times, it’s the only friend I have.

Other than that, I guess I drink a little too much coca-cola and have a habit of slipping kinky references into random blog posts. Actually, scratch that last one, nothing nasty about being a trifle kinky.

It’s actually kinda fun ;)

4. What is something that you still do that you thought you outgrew?

Playing on the swings…but do you ever really outgrow that?

5. Have you lost any of your dreams as time went by?

1)      I’ve lost my chance of becoming a father. Although anything is possible, I know in my heart that this will never happen and it hurts more than words can say. For as long as I can remember all I’ve ever wanted is to have a family and if I say any more on the matter I’ll no doubt start crying, so I won’t.

2)      I used to dream of owning a pet turtle, but that chance has passed me by.

3)      Lastly, I am now fairly sure my chance of university has gone. The chance of silly nudie-runs, random hazing rituals, toga parties and student house shares certainly has.

And, fourthly, as each new week passes and my health worsens, I believe I’ve lost my chance of knocking item (1) from my bucket list. Really…fecking…annoying, as it’s bloody simple and should have been achieved eons ago.

6. As you’ve grown older, in what ways do you still act and think the way you did when you were younger?

In certain areas I do still think in much the same way as I was a teenager, only a little more mature in my understanding of it. Unfortunately I’m not comfortable talking about this just yet, so I’ll skip quickly to: gorging on ice-cream, playing on swings (see above) or convincing myself there’s nothing wrong with a grown man watching an animated movie from time to time; especially ones as brilliant as these.

7. Is there a person in your life who still treats you as the same person you were when younger? Do you like it?

I honestly don’t think there is. Unless you count me, as occasionally I’ll allow myself to be somewhat childish in nature. Whether this is watching children’s movies, reading the odd young-adult fiction book or just gorging on ice-cream from time to time.

Personally, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, it actually helps in some ways.

8. Have you let yourself go wild in any aspect of your life?

Only when I get manic do I go wild.

However, I rarely remember all I do when in these states – and most of the time, I really don’t want to!

9. How do (or did) your parents feel about what you do for a living?

I think my parents are both frustrated and disappointed in what I do for a living.

Frustrated because if I had received support from mental health organisations, partners and/or friends I would have been able to stabilize my illness and work toward achieving my dreams.

Disappointed because, who would be proud of their son achieving nothing but being isolated, homeless and writing random blog posts virtually no-one reads in order to keep himself semi-sane?

Until next week…

I used to dream of owning a pet turtle, but that chance has passed me by…

My previous Saturday 9 posts:

Other great Saturday 9 posts:

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One thought on “Saturday 9: Always the last to know…

  1. You have shared some profound answers to the prompts. Most of them make me sad but I do admire your spirit.

    Like

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