All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

021 – 025. Salmagundi (a chocolate cupcake if you know what this means!)

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My 365 Day Blog Challenge has, let’s be honest, failed. I haven’t written a post for over a week and given my fluctuating concentration at the moment I cannot guarantee I will be able to write a post a day. But dangnammit, I’m a stubborn arsehole, so I’m gonna give it a go!

Given I have ten posts to catch up with I am throwing them all at you today! Right now, I’ve travelled back in time to days 21 to 25. A couple of the questions I liked, a couple were just meh, and one is the worst possible question to ask someone like me. Enjoy! :)

Day 21: everything you wish for in a significant other

Mario racing on the Figure-8 Circuit track. It...

If you’ve never played Strip Mario Kart, get to it! Fun, flirtatious and fudging fantastic foreplay :p

♥ A good heart ♥ A non-judgemental attitude ♥ Compassionate ♥ An appreciation of the surreal and absurd ♥ Realistic long-term goals ♥ The desire to follow their dreams ♥ Creative ♥ Someone who wouldn’t mind the occasional game of Strip Mario Kart ♥ Passionate ♥ A love of lying for hours in bed whilst cuddling and nattering about nothing in particular ♥ Someone who doesn’t have Disneyfied expectations over what love is ♥ Accepting of personal flaws ♥ The ability to understand that happiness is not a constant ♥ Someone who understands the beauty of silence ♥ They have a willingness to (occasionally) wear dungarees ♥ Kinky ♥ Spontaneous ♥ Posessing the ability to stand firm to their beliefs ♥ A willingness to compromise ♥ A love of cheese is a must ♥ Someone who does not have a honey allergy ♥ or a whipped cream allergy ♥ but I suppose an alternative foodstuff could be found ♥ Can correctly identify the lyrics When you can’t sleep at night and there’s no one to hold you/Remember I’m going through the same/You’ve got to laugh into the dark/We’re all one in a millionKnowing that a Dalek isn’t a robot would be excellent ♥ A love of walking and kissing in the rain ♥ Someone who’ll give me a metaphorical slap to help with my anxiety ♥ or a playful physical one if the metaphorical one fails ♥ Loves bike riding ♥ and strawberries dipped in chocolate ♥ Intelligence goes without saying ♥ Ability to have serious conversations ♥ silly conversations ♥ and silly-serious conversations ♥ Laughs and repeats the question “what is your favourite colour?” in a specific voice ♥ Someone who understands that depression is an illness and supports me through it rather than abuse me because of it ♥ A cute bottom ♥ A love of experimentation ♥ Someone who wouldn’t mind the occasional game of Strip Scrabble ♥ Who loves curling up next to me whilst I read aloud ♥ Who sees past Scotland’s shite weather and sees the beautiful, mysterious country that I do ♥ and who wouldn’t mind travelling that land with me whilst I regale them with tales of folklore, myth, legend and kinky Picts ♥ Kindness ♥ A charitable heart ♥ The desire to hike mountains and explore far-flung lands ♥ including Antarctica ♥ Someone who reads things properly instead of skim reading ♥ and thus understands that the only thing on this list that’s really important is the first one ♥ everything else is just a bonus ♥ Sensitivity ♥ Tolerant of someone with a Vanessa Hudgens crush ♥ Loves food fights ♥ and shared showers afterwards ♥

Day 22: how you judge intelligence

Intelligence is not how well you understand politics or the world. Nor is it the size of you’re vocabulary. You cannot measure someone’s intelligence by the occasional spelling or grammar mistake. Nor can you gauge their intelligence by what they read. Intelligence is how well you understand yourself and how well you can communicate your beliefs to the world.

Day 23: a month/year of your life when you were happiest and why

This one’s tough. In terms of month, it is January/February 2007; a period where, glandular fever aside, I felt the most confident, courageous and contented in my life. Period.

The castle in Inverness

Inverness Castle…yes, it’s made of lego :)

As for a year, it has to be 2000. It began with me sitting on a wall with three friends watching the millennium fireworks explode over the skyline of Inverness. Within weeks I was, for the first time, exploring the magnificent chain of islands that are the Outer Hebrides. Within months I was in Canada, meeting beautiful souls and challenging myself at every turn. Granted, as the year drew to a close there was depression fuelled from tragedy, but it ended with the loss of my virginity and the beginning of a new chapter of my life with a woman I loved.

Throughout this year I had friends, pushed myself at every turn to become who I wanted, spanked my inner demons and charged toward a brighter future. My confidence increased, my self-belief increased, my life became something worth living and I met one of the most important women of my life.

Day 24: your favorite 10 people right now and why

Given that it’s been three years since I had any social contact outside of mental health and homeless organisations I shall have to resort to a little creative license when answering this question.

In no particular order:

  1. My parents
    because they’re the only people who have never judged me (to my face.)
  2. @annaspargoryan
    because her tweets make me laugh and her writing is both touching and humorous.
  3. The Wrong Road Home
    because she is my current favourite blogger and approaches homelessness with intelligence, wit and inspiring passion.
  4. The staff at The Conversation
    because their dedication to intelligent academic inspired journalism shines a light on the apocalyptic wasteland that is the Australian media. Plus, it’s one of only a few things that keeps my mind active these days.
  5. David Tennant
    because after Taking Over the Asylum, Single Father, Casanova, Doctor Who and Fright Night (gotta love the leather pants) he will always feature on a list of my favourite people!
  6. The staff at The Punch
    because their dedication to maintaining a forum where bigoted, judgemental, anonymous pricks can post their racist/fatist/elitist/sexist/misogynistic/etc remarks is truly commendable. Reading this site I can almost feel my IQ lowering as my anger rises.
  7. @HardlyNormal
    because his dedication toward raising awareness of and ending homelessness is an inspiration to all.
  8. Shaun Micallef
    because he is a genius and always makes me laugh.
  9. Buckwheatsrisk
    because her dedication to rise awareness of abuse is as inspiring as her courage.
  10. Me
    because right now, I’m all I’ve got.

Day 25: a friend you have lost that you’re better off without/one you wish you had back

English: friendship

Ahhh, a cheesy friendship image, just what this haphazard post needed!

This is a tough one to write about given I once broke my rule of writing about people I know/knew and posted the most appalling piece of rapid-cycling fuelled crap I’ve ever written.

However.

The friend I’ve lost that I’m better off without is my abuser. To this day I am still torn between how much I cherished our friendship and the utter devastation her actions inflicted onto my life.

I can still remember how it felt to have my heart ripped from my chest when she announced she had “never considered me a friend, never even liked me as a person” and that the “only reason she had pretended to be my friend was so that she could change me”. Just as I can remember the long conversations and laughter we had shared on so many occasions, all of which were negated and rendered false by her admission above.

Why I still think of her fondly is a mystery I cannot answer beyond the tentacles of abuse.

As for friends I wish I had back, how long have you got?

I know I’m responsible for the loss of my friendships and I’m not one to pass blame or manufacture excuses for the mistakes I made. I lost these people because of my own failings and I need to come to terms with that, however long it may take.

I think of Samantha often, and believe we could have developed a rather interesting and close friendship given different circumstances. There are two people in Canada that I yearn to reconnect with for I miss their laughter and inspiring souls badly. Louise, of course, is someone I miss for I always respected and admired their approach to life. And then there is the person I cannot forgive myself for being such an arse to. As for the lost souls of Rachel and Stephanie, and the what if… conundrums their deaths created – could we have become better friends had life not dealt them such a cruel fate?

For a lonely person this question is just cruel. All it does is remind me of my many wild and varied failings…and, so I’ve been told, I spend far too much time thinking of these as it is.

Hopefully, Salmagundi; Part 2 (later today) will end on a brighter, less melancholic note.

Note: This post was written in one hour and eleven minutes, for I’m tired of anally analysing everything I write.

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4 thoughts on “021 – 025. Salmagundi (a chocolate cupcake if you know what this means!)

  1. It is not a failure, it is a lesson.

    Like

  2. BTW – there’s no failing: there’s just expansion…

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  3. You’re both absolutely right. I’m working on changing my inner voice with a counsellor/psychologist to stop thinking like this :)

    Thank you for the comments :)

    Like

  4. Pingback: Salmagundi, Part 2 (Better late than never!) « All that I am, all that I ever was

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