All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

011. You can’t pretend away mental illness

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The topic for my 365 Day Blogging Challenge today is “the worst advice you’ve ever heard, or ever been given” and to be honest I’m not sure I can do it.

Not because I can’t think of a piece of shoddy advice but because I’m in a shockingly bad mood today. The sort of mood where I want to napalm the world and everything in it. Ever since I woke up this screaming from a dream my day has slipped steadily towards the abyss that I precariously teeter over each day.

Saturday’s are usually good days for me because I get paid. Given I rarely have much money this is a huge occasion for me. It means I can pay rent, buy a little bit of food and perhaps treat myself to a wee something as I strive to piece my life back together.

The ‘treat’ for today was a television areal. I was gifted a television and set-top box by an exceedingly kind couple who wished it to go to a good home rather than ending up in a heap of waste at the landfill. Given I have no TV antennae in my unit I haven’t been able to watch it all week but today I was supposed to be able to.

So I purchased an areal, a wee bit of food, paid my rent and then returned home. I connected everything up, initiated and channel scan and sat there as it found…nothing.

So I checked all the connections and tried again…nothing.

So I moved the areal around the room and tried again…and again…and again and…nothing.

So I took it back to the shop, purchased a different areal from a different store, returned home and repeated the above…nothing.

So I took it back to the shop, purchased a different areal from a different store, returned home and…still bloody nothing.

So either I was gifted a shoddy television or – most likely – I seem to have ended up living in an obscure television black spot.

This endless back and forth, back and forth pissed me off and I found my stress and anxiety increasing with each return trip. By the time I was walking home for the third time my conversations had reached uncontrollable proportions so rather than return the areal a fourth time I repackaged it and have left it by the television as lord knows what would have happened if I’d taken the trip again today.

Whilst down the road for final time I swung by the video store. I don’t rent very much due to cost but every now and then I treat myself to something, especially if my mood is as varied and diabolical as it is today. Several films were released this week that I wanted to see (Hugo, Arrietty, Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, A Lonely Place to Die and – what I REALLY wanted – True Blood season four) and yep, you guessed it, not a single copy of any of them were in stock.

So not only did I not get my TV Areal I also didn’t get to rent something that would calm me down. Thus I remain in a shitty state of anger, stress, flashback and frustration.

It might not sound like much – so what you didn’t get a TV areal or rent something, there are people out there starving and homeless, get a grip – but to me, the hope that I could finally watch TV again or catch up with Sookie and co. is what was enabling me to keep my grip this week.

When you have basically nothing, it is these little things that keep us going.

So now I have no idea what to do. My internet is playing up, my mind is too caught up in the cycle of anxiety to focus on writing and reading, when I’m in this mood, is not a recommended idea.

Thus I sit here whining about how pathetic my life is which just makes me feel even worse, increases the loneliness as surely I should be whining about this over a pint to some friends and renders me a useless lump of lard vulnerable to the caustic voice of she who abused me.

*deep breath*

To cover the topic for today I vote for “You’re not supposed to talk about your mental illness. You’re supposed to pretend it isn’t there and ignore it. It’s the only way you’ll get better,”

Because, quite frankly, it’s BULLSHIT!

It would be like telling someone who had cancer – oh, just don’t think about and you’ll be better in a few weeks.

Or, hey, forget about the fact you have diabetes, don’t take the insulin because then everything will be a-ok.

It is BULLSHIT!

You cannot pretend away mental illness anymore than someone can pretend away HIV. It is arrogant, obnoxious crap that is only going to do more damage than good. If I HAD talked about my mental health sooner then I wouldn’t be precariously teetering over the abyss with no-one to catch me fall every day.

I wouldn’t be walking down the street having out-loud conversations with ghosts and hallucinations from the past as I try to make sense of the abuse and fill the void that is my lonely life.

If I had just told someone how bad I was I could have got help sooner and so many bloody things would be different!

And yes, this magnificent morsel of advice came from she who abused me.

*deep breath*

I have no idea what I’m going to do tonight. Over the years I have developed back up plans to help deal with the negative emotions as they pile up and overwhelm. Whether any of these will work I don’t know. We shall see.

Hopefully tomorrow I will be in a brighter mood and more able to focus on whatever topic it may be…checks list. “the best advice you’ve ever heard or ever been given”, hmm, something to look forward to).

Hope everyone is having a better day today.

 

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2 thoughts on “011. You can’t pretend away mental illness

  1. just for the record it is a big deal and i get that. i hope you get to find a way to watch tv today :)

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    • Yeah, I hope so too. Not sure what I’m going to do yet but once I’ve woken up a little more I shall formulate a plan of attack. I may resort to the tried and true method of switching it off and switching it on again…ya never know :)

      Like

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