All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

Ultradian

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Apparantly it’s called ultradian, didn’t know that, guess you learn something new everyday :)

[Ultradian: distinct episodes of mood swings in a twenty four hour period]

This post wasn’t part of this weeks jigsaw puzzle of trying to piece together the events since I stopped writing the blog but as my mind is doing what it’s doing at the moment I thought it apt to get across what it’s like during my mood flucuations.

I dunno, maybe they’re just normal human emotions and reactions.
Who knows.
Who cares.

Wednesday: (times are approximate)

2am –
Self harming; despair; severe depression
4am –
Finally fall asleep
5am –
Wake up and start crying for no reason
7am –
High; conversation with dog owner about MCG, cricket and the pros/cons of smooth peanut butter. Sing myself into the city.
10am –
Whilst reading newspaper slip and throw my tea over the drop in; staff think I’m having some form of seizure; they seem disappointed to realise I just slipped; first staff member really cute; mind races with possibility
10:15am –
Self harming and crying in an alley; don’t know why
12pm –
High again; have 2 hour conversation with Meadhbh, Kathy and Diane in a park
3pm –
Tears; suicidal inclination whilst on bridge
5pm –
Up again!; singing songs on street corner; am offered 20cents to shut up; I don’t!
6pm –
Mood dropping
6:30pm –
Mood raising
7pm –
Massive sever anger due to article on The Age website (this could just be normal! Stupid naive bloody article!)
9pm –
Anger rages through soup van; yell at cyclist
10pm –
More tears; more self harm
11pm –
Severe depression swings high and I start doing circuits of the park until…

Thursday: (times are approximate)

5am –
…sit staring at ducks; numb physically and emotionally
10am –
Toast; stare at drop-in centre wall for an hour
11am –
Have scaldingly hot shower to relieve numbness and make me feel something
12pm –
Right up; try to convince hotel I’m a famous author who should immediately be given a suite on the house; they nearly believe me
2pm –
Another try; another hotel; this time I’m a singer who needs digs; break down in front of them
2:30pm –
Cut myself in alleyway; quite bad
3pm –
Sit in hospital waiting room for medical attention; getting impatient
3:15pm –
Leave hospital; kick a bin in anger; bum $5 off a stranger; buy bandage; bandage cut;
5pm –
Anger has risen; yell at cars who annoy me (and their drivers)
7pm –
Feeling hyper; have conversation with woman in library and decide to go into business with her, now I just need $75,000!
9pm –
Low mood strikes; massive paranoia; tears; suicidal thoughts return; try to sleep

But as I say, maybe that’s how everyone spends their days! I just know they’re bloody frightening, scary and draining physically, mentally and emotionally so I don’t like them.

Can’t stand them.

It’s no wonder I have no-one in my life. If I can’t live like this, how are others supposed to cope?

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