Apparantly it’s called ultradian, didn’t know that, guess you learn something new everyday :)
[Ultradian: distinct episodes of mood swings in a twenty four hour period]
This post wasn’t part of this weeks jigsaw puzzle of trying to piece together the events since I stopped writing the blog but as my mind is doing what it’s doing at the moment I thought it apt to get across what it’s like during my mood flucuations.
I dunno, maybe they’re just normal human emotions and reactions.
Wednesday: (times are approximate)
Self harming; despair; severe depression
Finally fall asleep
Wake up and start crying for no reason
High; conversation with dog owner about MCG, cricket and the pros/cons of smooth peanut butter. Sing myself into the city.
Whilst reading newspaper slip and throw my tea over the drop in; staff think I’m having some form of seizure; they seem disappointed to realise I just slipped; first staff member really cute; mind races with possibility
Self harming and crying in an alley; don’t know why
High again; have 2 hour conversation with Meadhbh, Kathy and Diane in a park
Tears; suicidal inclination whilst on bridge
Up again!; singing songs on street corner; am offered 20cents to shut up; I don’t!
Massive sever anger due to article on The Age website (this could just be normal! Stupid naive bloody article!)
Anger rages through soup van; yell at cyclist
More tears; more self harm
Severe depression swings high and I start doing circuits of the park until…
Thursday: (times are approximate)
…sit staring at ducks; numb physically and emotionally
Toast; stare at drop-in centre wall for an hour
Have scaldingly hot shower to relieve numbness and make me feel something
Right up; try to convince hotel I’m a famous author who should immediately be given a suite on the house; they nearly believe me
Another try; another hotel; this time I’m a singer who needs digs; break down in front of them
Cut myself in alleyway; quite bad
Sit in hospital waiting room for medical attention; getting impatient
Leave hospital; kick a bin in anger; bum $5 off a stranger; buy bandage; bandage cut;
Anger has risen; yell at cars who annoy me (and their drivers)
Feeling hyper; have conversation with woman in library and decide to go into business with her, now I just need $75,000!
Low mood strikes; massive paranoia; tears; suicidal thoughts return; try to sleep
But as I say, maybe that’s how everyone spends their days! I just know they’re bloody frightening, scary and draining physically, mentally and emotionally so I don’t like them.
Can’t stand them.
It’s no wonder I have no-one in my life. If I can’t live like this, how are others supposed to cope?