All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

My Suicide Letters (from May and October)

1 Comment

This is the suicide letter I wrote for my October (and also May) suicide attempts, complete and unedited, and as with all my shitty outpourings of writing it’s a bloody epic!

Frack, if I’m gonna die, may as well go out with a War and Peace rather than a Mr Man.

If you choose to read it; I recommend a few drams of Glenfiddich single malt.To those I love,

When the following letter was first written I couldn’t go through with it – so I set a new deadline. One last effort to make things work and rebuild my life – within a week someone told me the four words that have been echoing in my head ever since. Hindering every effort I was making! Believe me, if you can think of it, I’ve tried it: reconnect with old friends, job hunting on a daily scale, citizenship applications, volunteering, yes days, friend maker websites, agencies, chat rooms, social groups, support groups, fan forums, pubs, clubs, writing, spontaneous acts of kindness and support, purveyors of sexual favours, dating agencies, spontaneous conversation, chasing my dreams, chasing…well…anything.

It feels like the world has been rejecting me left right and centre – every day a new rejection, every day some new pain to deal with. Those same four words ringing in my head you should kill yourself, you should kill yourself…and it all started because of glandular fever. That’s what I think anyway. It’s just…now? Now just can’t feel anything, can’t even smile.Just wanted to be one of the good guys, someone who cared, helped, inspired. But am convinced after this year I’m the most grotesque person on the face of the planet. That ultimate evil, bringer of pain and torment. In the words of my hero “Elton, fetch me a spade!” (just kidding)… ”I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,”

But now the deadline is here my energy has gone and I realise the only way to be my hero and care about the world is to destroy the biggest threat to it, namely me. Kindof ironic really, to become the person I wanted to be, I have to kill myself.

To save the world, I have to leave the world.

To those I love, [from attempt in May 2007]

So how do these letters generally start? Hmmm? I guess with the only way: that I have decided to kill myself. And before the ink even dries on that sentence move swiftly onto the ‘why’ which is something that has always bothered me. Isn’t it fracking obvious!?! I’M KILLING MYSELF BECAUSE I AM SO VERY TIRED OF BEING ALIVE THAT I JUST CANNOT DO IT ANY MORE.

Over the last twelve months everything that I cared about, everything that I love, everything I exhausted myself fighting to hold onto has been lost. So basically, I have finally relented and decided to take the easy option – the most selfish and hurtful way out…because even though I never considered myself either of these things it has been so resolutely hammered home to me over the last few months that this is actually what I am I have been so resolutely and completely destroyed that I cannot see any reason why anyone would want me to exist.

I mean, c’mon, ask yourself, why would anyone want to know someone who was (amongst other things) LAZY. UNPASSIONATE, TRAGIC, NEGATIVE, UNSPONTANIOUS, BORING, UNEMOTIONAL, DECEITFUL, SELFISH, UNHELPFUL, UNCARING, NOT TRUSTWORTHY, A BAD FRIEND, TOO EMOTIONAL (!)

Why would any of you want to have someone like that in your live?

Why would any of you want any one like to exist?

I think the honest answer for all of you would be that you wouldn’t. So hey, here’s one worthless soul vacating the planet. It’s a good thing really: there’ll be more space for the rest of you, more water, more fun, more laughter, more of everything really.

It’s actually a good thing, it means you can all stop worrying about me, you can all stop thinking about me. It means that this emotionally dangerous man can stop putting the lives of the people he cares about at risk. It means you can live the happy lives you all deserve without me dragging you all down into my insidious tragedies.

I never wanted to be responsible for the pain of the people that I love, and as I cause this almost subconsciously over and over, the only way I can stop it is to die.

I always tried to live my life. I tried to be honest and open. I tried to be decent and nice. I tried to treat people with respect, dignity, care, compassion. I guess I failed. I always tried to focus on the good within a person’s soul rather than allow their flaws to overwhelm my opinion of them. To me, this is the only way to love someone, because everyone has flaws and if you can’t compromise and deal with them then you will never love anyone and no-one will love you because no-one who walks this Earth will ever be perfect. You must find a way to deal with these flaws otherwise they will consume you.

Life is about accepting people for who they are, be they good or bad. If you can’t accept that, then the resulting anger will destroy friendships and destroy lives. Just as mine has been destroyed.

I realise now that it is worthless having a good heart. To achieve anything in this world, be it work, friendship or relationship you must treat everyone and thing like shit. The world is a cold, callous place and to get anywhere you must be deeply arrogant, deeply selfish, hypocritical, lie through your teeth and above all else an evil and manipulative bastard.

The feelings of others are irrelevant, as long as you get what you want.

Unfortunately my heart prevents me from being this. I just can’t do it (and yes, I’m aware of the contradiction here, contrary to popular belief I’m not stupid!!)

After months, years, a lifetimes of trying my hardest I no longer have any strength left. I am physically, emotionally and mentally drained. All I desired was to love the world and the beautiful wonderful people who populate it. I know now that I have failed, that I will never be the person I dreamed of being. I did come close – but as I say, I’m not arrogant enough for this world. I no longer wish to remain hare. Don’t have the strength any more.

PLEASE FORGET ME!

I did no good in my life. Despite trying to help people, despite trying to love them, despite everything I tried to do for people, I failed. I just spread misery.

My last wish is to be forgotten by everyone, I’m not worth any more time. Do this one last thing for me. I’m not worth it. I’m not worth anything. I don’t deserve anything.

With love and hugs always,
Addy xxx

To my family you have my undying love. I miss you all. Don’t know what else to say. I hope you can understand someday.

In time, everyone will realise that this is for the best. I helped no-one, was a burden to all, and understand why I never achieved my dreams – I never deserved to. But hey, I get to save the world from it’s most reviled creature.
Yay !

…and just when you thought it was over, all epic’s need an epilogue…

NO ONE should blame themselves for this. It is not your fault. It is my fault. Despise ME. Hate ME. Never forgive ME. I’m the one who fucked up. I’M THE ONE WHO MADE ALL THE MISTAKES (and believe me I am aware of every single mistake I’ve ever made in my life!) I’m the one who never cared about anyone. I’m selfish, pathetic, indecent, uncaring, unpassionate.
DESPISE ME
HATE ME
BLAME ME
I’m a worthless waste of space. So don’t forgive me. Don’t even think about me. And don’t go blaming yourselves or other people and hating them or being angry at them…else I’ll come back and haunt you by making scary/cute “oooooooooooo” noises, hiding cheese under your socks, stashing wombats in your underwear drawers and well, a myriad of other bizarre and kinky haunting techniques to make you squeal and shudder.
This is my fault.
So just HATE ME. BLAME ME. NEVER FORGIVE ME and despise me for the rest of eternity. Everyone does as it is!

…and I’ll leave off the pseudo schizophrenic bullshit which I scrawled all over the paperwork, because the psychologists are having a goddamn field day with that lot!!!!!

Advertisements

One thought on “My Suicide Letters (from May and October)

  1. It’s difficult to know where to start…It’s difficult to know what to say…It’s difficult to know where to end…So don’t end yet… please just keep writing so everyone can mis-take the truth about you and know that you’re f.cking fantastic.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s