All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

PaNiC aTtAcKs

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Okay so this is actually more for me than anyone else because, in all honesty, it makes absolutely no sense…but then neither do PaNiC aTtAcKs really…in fact nothing does!
———————–
Looking out at the sea
Smoking my first proper cigarette for eons
Started smoking cause I was stressed and didn’t know what else to do Started smoking cause I wanted to die and thought it was an easy way Started smoking hating it then Kept smoking cause I loved it Stopped smoking cause I didnt need it any more Started again cause I needed it again Stopped again cause I didnt like it Started again cause I REALLY needed it this time the Stopped once more Its called the yoyo way of giving up Dont think you really know how hard it is to give em up unless youve smoked ten a day for a few years Frack off to everyone who thinks it wasy Hardest thing I ever did giving up smoking all the times Now Ive started again Why
I used to love those things

Smoked them every day
Without fail
Yummy
Why
Seconds becoming minutes becoming hours becoming days becoming weeks becoming months becoming years becoming decades becoming centuries becoming millennia Only have to worry about the seconds minutes hours days weeks months years and decades Doubtful ill make it to centuries or millennia But then Time becoming mononotonous All the same Everything identical to everything else Cant seem to be able to stop What can be done Always
Looking out at the sea
Smoking my first proper cigarette for eons
Started smoking cause I was stressed and didn’t know what else to do Started smoking cause I wanted to die and thought it was an easy way Started smoking hating it then Kept smoking cause I loved it Stopped smoking cause I didnt need it any more Started again cause I needed it again Stopped again cause I didnt like it Started again cause I REALLY needed it this time the Stopped once more Its called the yoyo way of giving up Dont think you really know how hard it is to give em up unless youve smoked ten a day for a few years Frack off to everyone who thinks it wasy Hardest thing I ever did giving up smoking all the times Now Ive started again Why
od I used to love those things
Smoked them every day
Without fail
Yummy
Why

Couldnt resist He he he Ha Ha Ha Heeeee Haaaaa
Mind seems to have vanished today Keep misplacing things Forgetting things Losing things Sure sense has been lost but something else missing too cant figure it out Oh well Yay Nay Yay Nay
PaNiC aTtAcKs
Depression
Agoraphobia

Ick
Eek
Aahh
Tried to go for a walk today in the beautiful sunshine that was shining in through the window Looked so nice and pretty welcoming and warm A walk in the sun that will cheer me up Dull the mononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononon
breath
ononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononity

Phew Got as far as the Gardens before started to get a bit sweaty Not from heat Took a turn toward the sea Have always liked the sea reminds me of the West Coast or Halifax or Vancouver or sigh Berneray Lovely Berneray of my mind Can’t go back there now Not ever ever Ever Not now But sweating started Heart rate increased Palpitations Shaking Shuddering Nervous twitching HATE that yep yep yep All the hallmarks of a good ole fashioned PaNiC aTtAcKs

Ick
Eek
Aahh
Suck it up
Now
SUN is SHINING
BIRDS are SINGING
GRASS is GREEN
SKY is BLUE
ADDY is OKAY ADDY is not OKAY ADDY is OKAY ADDY is not OKAY ADDY is OKAY Ummm
Really started to get unpleasant now Something else wouldnt wish on anyone PaNiC aTtAcKs
Ick
Eek
Aahh
Suck it up
Ick
Eek
Aahh
Suck it up
Suck it up
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Beat
RUN-A- WAY youve been taught that
RUN-A-WAY NOOOOWWWWW!
So I came back to the flat and had a cry and watched the sun birds grass sky from the balcony
Looking out at the sea
Smoking my first cigarette for eons
Hating it
PaNiC aTtAcKs
Depression
Agoraphobia
Hating it
Want sun back Want birds back Want grass back Want sky back
Want sea back
Not PaNiC aTtAcKs depression PaNiC aTtAcKs agoraphobia PaNiC aTtAcKs
Want life back
Want passion back
Want hope back
Want dreams back
Want smiles back
Not PaNiC aTtAcKs depression PaNiC aTtAcKs agoraphobia PaNiC aTtAcKs
Not
Looking out at the sea
Not
Smoking my first proper cigarette for eons

Started smoking cause I was stressed and didn’t know what else to do Started smoking cause I wanted to die and thought it was an easy way Started smoking hating it then Kept smoking cause I loved it Stopped smoking cause I didnt need it any more Started again cause I needed it again Stopped again cause I didnt like it Started again cause I REALLY needed it this time the Stopped once more Its called the yoyo way of giving up Dont think you really know how hard it is to give em up unless youve smoked ten a day for a few years Frack off to everyone who thinks it wasy Hardest thing I ever did giving up smoking all the times Now Ive started again Why
I used to love those things
Smoked them every day
Without fail
Yummy
Why

Cause they bring me happiness Thats what they are
Hate filled little sticks of happiness Only things that bring it
Smoked them every day
Without fail
Yummy
Why
Why
Why

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