All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

I’m so useless that…

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I haven’t been feeling all that great over the last couple of weeks. So I thought I’d try freewrite something to see if getting it out will cleanse the soul a little. Apologies if it’s a little ‘woe is me’. It’s just how I’ve been feeling lately.

lake hume

Lake Hume (where I went for the camp)

Last year, I didn’t want to attend the camp that my mental health organisation organized. I was stressed. I was exhausted. And I wanted a few days to myself in order to recharge my internal batteries. But one of the staff members (unintentionally) manipulated my appeasement mode and I ended up going. As it turned out, I was ultimately happy that I’d gone because I ended up having a wonderful, relaxing time.

So this year, I was looking forward to it. In fact, for many weeks it was the bright spot that kept me going. I was anticipating a few days of relaxation; a few days of chilling with random people; a time to recharge my batteries away from the monotonous hell of Wodonga. So it stands to reason that I ended up having a miserable time; a time that left me emotionally raw, traumatized and desperately in need of a hug!

In fact, the camp was such a hideous time that nearly two weeks later I’m still feeling emotionally delicate, unable to function and filled with a lethargic flatness that is beyond annoying.

My reaction to the camp had nothing to do with how it was organized (which was with a military like precision) or how supportive the staff and other attendees were (which was immensely supportive) but because it served as a stark reminder as to how utterly useless I am at pretty much everything.

  • I’m so useless that I had to sleep in my tent because I’m unable to move past the trauma of my various boarding house experiences in order to sleep in the shared accommodation that everyone else was sleeping in.
  • I’m so useless that in the four days I was there I had three conversations with people who weren’t staff; two of those on the same day.
  • I’m so useless that whenever I was in the presence of a beautiful woman I froze up and became a gibbering, monosyllabic idiot.
  • I’m so useless that I attended only two of the activities because I couldn’t deal with getting on the various buses/boats that were necessary for the remaining activities.
  • I’m so useless that four people felt the need to point out how much weight I’ve put on recently, you know, just in case the guy with body image issues hadn’t already noticed!
  • I’m so useless that I ended up cooking lunch and dinner on all the days I was there, not because I enjoyed it, but because it made me feel a little more useful. And once I’d cooked the food, I was the first person in the kitchen to help with the clean up because – you guessed it – it made me feel that bit more useful.
  • I’m so useless that I have no idea how to relax anymore; hence my need to busy myself with kitchen duties to make me feel less superfluous.
  • I’m so useless that I couldn’t even organize a trivia night without it being filled with errors.
  • I’m so useless that by the third day I was spontaneously bursting into tears as my mind plagued me with suicidal fantasies as punishment for how useless I believe I am.
  • I’m so useless that, as a result of these suicidal fantasies, I had to leave the camp early and return to my home where I could curl up on the couch and weep away from prying eyes.
  • I’m so useless that I couldn’t even remember to pack my phone charger, which means I’ve been without a phone for the last two weeks and will be until I can obtain a replacement.

And as I write this list I realise that I could keep going with many more examples of how useless I am, but won’t because I’m so useless that I can’t risk typing any more in case I begin to start crying again.

*DEEP BREATH*

The other reason I don’t want to continue writing that list is because I know it’s not helpful. It’s just a chance to whinge about how pointless my life feels from time to time; a chance to unload weeks of negative emotion in the hope that it will allow me to find a way to move onwards and upwards.

But I know what’s been happening to me isn’t just ‘me feeling bad’. A large part of what’s been happening over the last few weeks is down to the medication change-over I’ve been going through. It was running rampant in the days leading up to the camp and continued plaguing me throughout. But it would be easy (and a little simplistic) to blame the woes of that week on medication alone.

The simple fact is I’ve been on my own seven years, doing nothing but surviving, that I have forgotten what it means to relax, I have forgotten how to communicate with people and I do feel useless most of the time.

I know that how I view myself lies at the core of all my mental health issues. And what this camp did was take all my fears, all my failings, all my inadequacies and throw them to the forefront of my existence.

It made me realise how little I’ve actually come since my breakdown in 2007 and how far I still have to go to become the person I so wish to be.

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6 thoughts on “I’m so useless that…

  1. I FEEL LIKE THIS TODAY YOUR NOT ON YOUR OWN LOTS OF LOVE ADDYX

    Date: Mon, 14 Apr 2014 10:46:50 +0000 To: jkr4632@hotmail.co.uk

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  2. I DONT KNOW IF YOUR RECEVIED MY REPLY ILL TRY A GAIN I TOO FEEL LIKE THIS TOO DAY YOUR NOT ON YOUR OWN HUG YOU LOTS OF LOVEXXX Date: Mon, 14 Apr 2014 10:46:50 +0000 To: jkr4632@hotmail.co.uk

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  3. Hi you are obviously very depressed at the moment pro ably caused by the medication change let’s hope that kicks in soon. It appears because of that you are seeing everything in the negative which is understandable but try to remember things have improved in some areas since 2007 and as the saying goes Rome wasn’t built in day. You have been ill for some time therefore it will take a while to get on top of it don’t give up yet. I tried to phone but obviously now know why I couldn’t get through to you. I’ll see if I have a spare charger but don’t think so.
    Hugs from across the miles

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  4. Hi,
    I’m not too sure of your story, but I know the feeling when everything you perceive is wrong with yourself, is reinforced in certain situations.
    However, I would like to point out that I think there has been progress made: instead of having to be ‘manipulated’ into going, you made that decision by yourself. I think it’s really brave and a huge step in attending this camp by the will of your own.
    It is also clear that you aren’t as useless as you believe. You tried to push yourself to be active enough in a way that would contribute to the camp itself i.e. picking up duties of cooking and cleaning. You didn’t have to, but your own will pushed you to do so on account that you wanted to feel useful. And you were. You didn’t just sit on your laurels waiting for time to pass.
    Another thing is, we all have these expectations of ourselves. Whether that is to achieve this, or be that person we aspire to be. Expectations are easily let down, but that’s because it is hard to ‘achieve’ that goal at the beginning. Sure, you have been going through things for a while, but maybe this reminder of the social aspects you need to work on is a good thing? Right now, I know you possibly just want to hide. That is OK. You need to process and work through all that hurt. Maybe later you can try and orient yourself to take up these challenges little by little. I’m not saying things will be overcome or you won’t have set backs. But it is clear you have a drive and ambition to want to help manage your difficulties. Utilise that. Write down a list of social goals you would like to achieve, don’t focus on whether you are able to do that or not. Then maybe get your counsellor or someone you know to suggest activities that might you engage and work on those things. I hope I haven’t offended you. I hope if anything, I’ve pointed out a few positives you may have not realised and, provided a little bit of inspiration to look back and reorient your strategy of how to deal with the situation. Sometimes it helps to get encouragement from someone else who also suffers.
    Best of luck.

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  5. Whoops! sorry for all the typos! Just reread it afterwards- currently a bag of nerves because I’m trying to complete an exam essay for submission. Hope you can make sense of what I am saying.

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  6. This made my heart ache for you :(

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